So, mothers day has come and gone and to be honest it was the first one that hasn't been shit in over 6 years. I always feel myself bracing for this day followed by the anniversary of her death. Day by day my body is tenser and my mind starts to create coping mechanisms i.e I'm a grumpy bitch. I'm squashing the grief back into its bottle and preparing to send it back out to sea!
The hardest part of losing someone isn’t saying goodbye but learning to live in the world without them! Watching my Mum suffer for years and then take her last breath sank me into a spiral of depression, denial and guilt.
All of a sudden you change...
You have no control over it. You will never be the same person again and no matter how far you travel away from your problems you will never escape the demons in your head.
I either suppress how I feel to a point of numbness or it feels as though I have just dropped a glass vase on the floor and I'm frantically searching for every piece to make it whole again.
Depression manifests itself in many different ways and with me I will feel fine and then out of nowhere it will back me into a corner and I feel like I can't breathe. It comes in waves...
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I am angry.
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I feel nothing...
This is really hard to admit to because I'm not one for a pity party but I have learnt that just because you're not chugging meds for depression doesn't mean you won't live through it at some point in your life. I suffered with sleep paralysis, panic attacks and self sabotage.
You know when something happens in the day and you want to tell them and you reach for your phone...
We used to fight like sisters, talk into the early hours of the morning, get drunk on Cava and dance on tables, shop until we dropped, confess our deepest and darkest secrets to each other and more than anything, more than being mother and daughter, we were best friends.
Every day I think about her. Whether its hearing a song on the radio or looking into my little boys eyes and telling him how much his Nana would have loved him.
There is supposedly this 5 step system that we go through to learn to live with someone we have lost. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sure, I can identify with all of them, I could write a book on each of them but its so much more than that. Grief is something that never leaves you. It's always there. I feel as though I could feel all 5 of these emotions in one day or I might go months without feeling anything.
Anyway, I've stopped trying to "FIX" myself. I have really shitty days and then brush myself off and I start again. She used to tell me it's sometimes good to have a good cry anyway! Don't let the bastards grind you down was a favourite.
She told me that I would never understand how much she loved me until I have babies of my own. Now I am a Mum, or a Mam I should say, I get it! I wish that she could have been here to see him grow up.
I told her that I was going to be okay. So for her and my boys I try my best, you might not always be your best or do your best but you have to try...
Try and live your life with no drama! Try to love and not hate! Forgive people that break your heart because those who wrong you are dealing with darkness too.
Just imagine the person you want to punch in the face as a puppy in a tutu and then you won't feel so bad!
Try to let the small things go.
Fuel your body with goodness but EAT THE DAMN CAKE!
Stop sitting and thinking about your bucket list, go and DO IT! Even if you can't afford the big things yet, start small!
Do it for the people you lose.
Do it for the people you love.
You will always hold the people you lose close to your heart but take a leap of faith in their honour, you owe it to yourself!
Peace and love,
In loving memory of the one and only Wendy Ann Rickwood.